Sometimes to Live, You Have to Die

The early morning sun creeps in the through the blinds as Lindsey lies reposed motionless on the couch. Her chest barely rises and falls with each weak and halfhearted breath. Seemingly unprovoked, her eyes shoot open, she gasps for breath and rolls off the couch and onto the floor amid a multitude of empty pill bottles, boxes, and sheets of various sorts. From acetaminophen, to ibuprofen, to sertraline, to alprazolam, to diphenhydramine, the bottles and box surround her like confetti existing as dirty evidence of the greatest mistake she’s ever made, but also her best success. She pulls her breaking body across the carpet, gripping the fibers with her fingers and pulling her struggling body forward.

Her muscles seem to fail her as she collapses to the floor, eyes wide open and tears forming. Her eyes dart around as throw tears she makes out the bottles's forms lying to her left and she fells jagged empty boxes pushing their way into her stomach and legs as if to imprint a reminder of her choice.

From the still of the spinning world comes a voice cutting through the air and into Lindsey: “Sometimes to live you have to die.” The absurdity of such words appearing source less seems to be lost on Lindsey as she grunts out “I did. I did. I just died.” And in a sudden convulsion of her muscles which looks to shock even herself, Lindsey’s hands grasp a trashcan which she pulls towards are and lifts her head over, then she throws up the half-dissolved pills in a sobbing fit of every emotion Lindsey’s ever known. The taste of the bitter pills and vomit taints her mouth and the smell dirties the world around her causing her to keep dry heaving for five minutes.

Her stomach quivers from exhaustion, and Lindsey’s body goes limp and rolls onto the ground, eyes wide open, unblinking, tears flowing out staring straight up at the blurred ceiling. Her body then starts to shake as she hears a strange voice say “Come on, just breathe” then another “how could you be so weak, you were on your way out? You were on the way to peace, to freedom. You’ve only failed yourself. You will never be anything. You will die alone even sadder than now.” Lindsey says aloud “Sometimes to live, you have to die;” then closes her eyes as the world spins on.