4 Outlets

Why so Fargone? (The Reckoning)
Fragment ideas spill onto the page, filled with half-baked thoughts of love and hate and apathy; friends and enemies and nothingness.
Gentle text of "come back home to denny's" flash into my mind. The day I up and ran away, thinking I would be better off that way. (But all I left was my home in them that was abandoned when I returned).
When I let her up and walk away, her act of rennaissance I should have asked for her to stay, made her know what I had meant - But sometimes they have to discover it on their own.
I carress the words of anger said - not anger, just frustration. A drink to dull the edge of betrayal means nothing when you share its cup and couch. And the truth leads to him walking away. And my sympathy for the other guy still crying on the chair was not enough for them to bare as my tears began to form.
The time I had ran away to spare her from myself (for I was too much too take, too much harm and she didn't deserve me, she deserved so much more) and then was left crying at the doorstep as I realized I hadn't wasted her time and I knew what love could be.
To leave to find a home, when you had it all along.
The little boy I was, running out into the snowy streets, with no shoes or even a shirt. The melodrama of my life, my run, and the tears that killed the snow. No where to go until someone came to rescue me.
Everything I want is no where.
Everything I want is just to forget.
As the words free flow into an emptiness, the literate's escape (the birds' song, the rabbit's hole, a story from the past).
Each one leaves something's lost, just as something's gained.

Never a Tomorrow
Carreening down the highway,
the devil by my side.
And in my head he's echoing
"you can run, but you can't hide."

Take the wheel and drive me home
Kill the truth they shout to you
Take a pill to shut them up,
And try to find what's true.

"You can crash into the ocean, man,
And find yourself at home"
Shame on you, you lied to me
while the devil pinned me down.

The truth lies like a stain on you
As your veins leak out bad deeds
I rock back and forth compulsivesly
As the tears roll off my cheeks

And in the car that's driving me
Down into the sea
I cannot help but watch the stars
Swim away from me.

Losing Myself (One Avoidance at a Time)
It's the hollow truth that breaks the bow.
It's the bitterness that fights the light.
Make it hurt, make it burn, make me fall.
I fell down to save your life.
And in your room I found my heart was gone away.
And in my voice I found a stranger speak through me.
In my soul I felt the sad in you.
And in your eyes I saw the truth behind the lie you live.
Though I knew it all and knew how it would end,
I would have fought to save your life.

The Sign for When to Run
I heard the words they said through half-cocked grins and half-full cups. I heard the whispers and the snickers as he walked into the room. I saw you forget me and stop with your support. I knew you had betrayed me at that taunting joke I overheard you say. I would have run away that moment then had I known you were so low as now and could find the strength to stand. I almost did flee into the dark strange land (damn the consequences) when i knew you lied to get me there that night after the longest and hardest trip i've ever made. Needing a pill to take the first step, (losing my mind was the easiest thing as the scenery swept by) for I was unable to find any strength within. Imagining a hand to hold. You never knew (you never cared). Then forcing myself to find a way to drive. Buffering the panic with careful distant measure and a desperate will to Good. Forcing myself to ask my dad for help (knowing what that could mean). "Repeat three times: 'everything will be alright' and just breathe." Making my eyes stay awake for 20 hours after less than 3 of sleep. Enough caffeine to stop a heart and to feel the overdose. And then to find the light at the end was nothing more than an ephemeral mirage. An illusion just to get me there, to get a gift (you think i'm rich), to show me off (like i'm a prize), to make a scene (like i'm a joke), to fix a broken thing (like i'm a tool). It was then I knew you were just a lie, and didn't give a shit about me (but i forced that bitter thought to the back of my mind). It was then I might have left, I might have ended it. But in you I saw the strength to be the man you want to be. And for his sake I always stayed.