And You Know...

Live to Die.

How to stand up when you've fallen so low? There is no hand to help cuz the demons in my dreams are all that's left to keep my company. I hear them say "you're worthless" and i believe those words. "Where are they now? They are no where to be found." How to find a way out of this hole i've been shoved in? - the cruelest world, the cruelest place, and the cruelest voices speak to me. I have nothing left and just a hunger both for food and for hope. This long journey I cannot start is all that's ahead of me. Putting it off I keep my body bent and my eyes shut tight to spare me from the sights. But I still hear their cackles echo in my bones. It cuts me to my core but I have no wings to rise above. I have no clothes to keep me warm. And I have no strength to lift my head. How to survive this journey, babe - I'm so alone and oh so damaged? If I opened my eyes could I even see? If they could look at me now, what would they say? If there was a ladder, could I get myself out? I doubt it even matters because I think i've lost myself entirely. I cannot live, I cannot hope, I cannot wish upon a star. Although I can't feel it I know i have a hunger so deep and a pain so real while I live my life spent dying.


Pale White Pills

The drugs flood my brainways with invalid chemicals. And still i sit here waiting for a hope that never comes. And i'm all alone again, left only to doubts abounding, that pull my heart to hell. In the drugs i hope to have a fostered sense of self. But I do not know who I see when I look into the mirror - a face so unfamiliar that i flinch at being watched. Tomorrow i'll want life, tomorrow i'll be happy and get all i ever wanted. But in my bones i know that tomorrow will never come. And then the thoughts creep up to justify my solitude, inverted salience. In them the flaw's the situation, but in me it is myself. So i deserve what comes to me, but they need happiness. No fundamental error here - well - i guess just the wrong way 'round. The problems not the lack of love, the problem is MY love. The problems not cheating for the cause was truly me. The issue is not new space between, for i SHOULD be shut out. I deserve to be shoved away and down (why won't the chemicals speeding through my veins do their jobs?). So if I never see those eyes again, that would be Justice. And if i never am forgiven - well i ought never be. (but ask me what i need forgiveness for and my tongue can only word "obviously something, the distance says it all"). Sometimes, some how, some way, my fingers turn to fists, and a tiny thought creeps from a pill that says "i am okay." But the other thoughts (much stronger and more fit to live in me) will shove it out in 3-2-1 and i'm back to "it's all me."


Destination: Unknown

Give me all your fortune, baby,
Give me all your fame
Slit my truth wide open for you
And let me fade away.

Just give me my blue fortress,
And give me all your pain,
Let me bleed your comfort, baby
That seeps right through my veins

It's my truth that scares you, honey,
It's my lies that bind
And with all you've lost now to me
Why are you still mine?

I fake it for the world's love,
Dear, It's my heart's disguise
And faking makes me weary,
so just leave to me my lies