4 Outlets

Why so Fargone? (The Reckoning)
Fragment ideas spill onto the page, filled with half-baked thoughts of love and hate and apathy; friends and enemies and nothingness.
Gentle text of "come back home to denny's" flash into my mind. The day I up and ran away, thinking I would be better off that way. (But all I left was my home in them that was abandoned when I returned).
When I let her up and walk away, her act of rennaissance I should have asked for her to stay, made her know what I had meant - But sometimes they have to discover it on their own.
I carress the words of anger said - not anger, just frustration. A drink to dull the edge of betrayal means nothing when you share its cup and couch. And the truth leads to him walking away. And my sympathy for the other guy still crying on the chair was not enough for them to bare as my tears began to form.
The time I had ran away to spare her from myself (for I was too much too take, too much harm and she didn't deserve me, she deserved so much more) and then was left crying at the doorstep as I realized I hadn't wasted her time and I knew what love could be.
To leave to find a home, when you had it all along.
The little boy I was, running out into the snowy streets, with no shoes or even a shirt. The melodrama of my life, my run, and the tears that killed the snow. No where to go until someone came to rescue me.
Everything I want is no where.
Everything I want is just to forget.
As the words free flow into an emptiness, the literate's escape (the birds' song, the rabbit's hole, a story from the past).
Each one leaves something's lost, just as something's gained.

Never a Tomorrow
Carreening down the highway,
the devil by my side.
And in my head he's echoing
"you can run, but you can't hide."

Take the wheel and drive me home
Kill the truth they shout to you
Take a pill to shut them up,
And try to find what's true.

"You can crash into the ocean, man,
And find yourself at home"
Shame on you, you lied to me
while the devil pinned me down.

The truth lies like a stain on you
As your veins leak out bad deeds
I rock back and forth compulsivesly
As the tears roll off my cheeks

And in the car that's driving me
Down into the sea
I cannot help but watch the stars
Swim away from me.

Losing Myself (One Avoidance at a Time)
It's the hollow truth that breaks the bow.
It's the bitterness that fights the light.
Make it hurt, make it burn, make me fall.
I fell down to save your life.
And in your room I found my heart was gone away.
And in my voice I found a stranger speak through me.
In my soul I felt the sad in you.
And in your eyes I saw the truth behind the lie you live.
Though I knew it all and knew how it would end,
I would have fought to save your life.

The Sign for When to Run
I heard the words they said through half-cocked grins and half-full cups. I heard the whispers and the snickers as he walked into the room. I saw you forget me and stop with your support. I knew you had betrayed me at that taunting joke I overheard you say. I would have run away that moment then had I known you were so low as now and could find the strength to stand. I almost did flee into the dark strange land (damn the consequences) when i knew you lied to get me there that night after the longest and hardest trip i've ever made. Needing a pill to take the first step, (losing my mind was the easiest thing as the scenery swept by) for I was unable to find any strength within. Imagining a hand to hold. You never knew (you never cared). Then forcing myself to find a way to drive. Buffering the panic with careful distant measure and a desperate will to Good. Forcing myself to ask my dad for help (knowing what that could mean). "Repeat three times: 'everything will be alright' and just breathe." Making my eyes stay awake for 20 hours after less than 3 of sleep. Enough caffeine to stop a heart and to feel the overdose. And then to find the light at the end was nothing more than an ephemeral mirage. An illusion just to get me there, to get a gift (you think i'm rich), to show me off (like i'm a prize), to make a scene (like i'm a joke), to fix a broken thing (like i'm a tool). It was then I knew you were just a lie, and didn't give a shit about me (but i forced that bitter thought to the back of my mind). It was then I might have left, I might have ended it. But in you I saw the strength to be the man you want to be. And for his sake I always stayed.

Dos Mas

To Lose a War (By Honesty)

You left me all alone to hold onto what i could. But what was left slipped through my fingers and now lies forsaken in the dirt. I know not what you've done (do you?), or why you've done it so. But know you must trust your heart. You must do what you think is right. - - And yet my fingers ball to fists as I think of all the broken promises you've left. You've forgotten me and all i've done to paint your life anew. You've forgotten the words you whispered to me, and all the tears you shed. The moments I held onto you to sail you through the storm. The moment I knew you needed help and knew you didn't know. You can walk the road alone, but that's no way to live (needing help isn't a weakness, it's a strength to have). And now we must fly away, solo (you've left your friend behind). Why should I still care when you've left me with no one? I know not the reason, I just know that I still do. I'm scared and broken with no one's hand to hold. I've never been so alone - So dead - Or so alive. If you don't care enough to try, then why the hell should I? If you've forgotten what we were, then why should I hold on? Even so you never were a waste of time. My friendship was always true. And I saw in you all I wanted to be; the man I should become. I know it can never be the same. I know you've said words you can never take back. But if I could save the day, I would, and I still pray for you.


False Start Friend

When I think of where you're going and all places that you've been, I know the fears you hide. I know what you're trying to do, who you want to be. You're so afraid to lose, but more afraid to win. Too afraid to be like anyone else you've seen. You sell yourself short and believe you're left ahead. You're stuck in the past and cannot see the future.
When you say I'm not worth the friendship, or even worth a word. I have no choice but to believe those words you say. All I can do is breathe, and maybe that will make it better somehow, some way, some day. I guess I was just a waste of time. Maybe that's what started all the trouble and the fights. Some days were heaven, some days were hell. We just found ourselves sinking alone, together. I guess sometimes everyone has to let the darkness fall all around, the night and chaos come. It's hell that makes us stronger, and I know you can make it through and can find a way to soar. I'll always believed in you.

Out of the Loaded Dreams

Out of the Loaded Dreams

My darkness lies beneath the shell where my despair and sadness bloom. The hole i've been put in has no light to guide my soul. My body shakes in the corner of my life, my fate, my tomb. I know not where the ghost is leading me, but i know i'm falling down. Alone again I hear my demons speak to me in the darkness of my dreams. All the broken promises they made drag my heart under the ground. I hope an angel takes me out of here, but I cannot find her hand. I only know I've lost myself - that is the price to pay. My body is too broken to have the strength to stand. I'm small and scared and falling, burning like a shooting star. In my descent I close my eyes and hope to be reborn. The firestorm - my death and grave, my cradle and rebirth.

Some Stuff I Wrote

Some stuff I wrote:

I Don't Doubt This

No excuses this time, princess,
Cuz a promise means another broken heart.
And all that's left are promises
And it seems they all are breaking
one heartstring at a time (one heartstring at a time)
two more and we'll go bust (two more)
two more but we're still here (two more)
I see the misery (I see the company)
I see the tears (I see the smile)
"Couldn't you give it another shot"
She said, but she never need to ask
"I promise this time...
oh yes, I promise"
Broken hearts and broken glass
Broken homes and broken bones
two more lies and we'll go bust (two more)
two more but we're still here (two more)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)


one month headstart (on hating you)

i say i blame you but we both made this mess
my heart is gone and i must confess
that i never believed you in the first place
so take to the streets and drive your ass home
cuz in my head you left an hour ago

i would tell you i hope that you crash and you burn
but your life already is (not half as bad as mine of course)
but you'd never know (cuz i never told you)
but you thought i'd know (but you never told me)
this one-way street won't take us home

never's a promise (and so is goodbye)
so just up and go and stop with your lie
that tomorrow you'll call me (cuz you just never will)
if you were a true friend, you'd know better by now
if you meant what you said then i know it's not goodbye

so go drive too fast and take it too far
and give me a break (cuz your face i can't take)
you mean nothing to me (i guess that's a lie)
i mean nothing to you (that's more to the point)
but the one-way street won't take us anywhere

and tomorrow's sun set at your first "hello"

Sell Out From The Start

buying in or selling out
it's all the same (we're all the same)
cuz who's left to smile
when what's in is the frown
don't compromise pretty
cuz "pretty is power"

but tomorrow has the promise
of sterile suburban sprawl
filled with brand new homes
on the picturesque streets
and an image to keep
(cuz you live in their eyes)

and never say never
(never's forever)
it's a promise to keep (but i know you won't)
you fit right in in that bullshit town
and tomorrow you'll find
i'm not coming home

Excerpt from "Just Let Go"

This is the first part of my short story for LTWR 8A called "Just Let Go"

Feeling overwhelming freedom and the reassuring safety of his arms as he breathes life back into me and whispers in my ear: “you are safe babe, you are safe. Don’t worry Lindsey, You are safe. You worry too much. I’ve got you and we’ll get through all of this. It’s gonna be alright. You are safe.” I turn around and look into his deep brown eyes expecting to find a face familiar - the face that haunts my dreams - but I don’t know him. I don’t know his face. I don’t know his eyes. I believe every word he says to me and can see all of my life in his eyes, but I don’t know him, I just -

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

Deep breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I am okay, I am safe, and I am alive. Open eyes, glimpse the late morning rays fighting the shades and pushing back the darkness.

My darkness.

My heart falls in a breach of emotions and memories because I remember this darkness of mine. I remember that I am me. I am here. That I am sad. And that I miss Kelli; if only I could have started this day off in his arms then it could be a good day. But I’m so alone and sad. I am me. Fucking reality…

Sometimes to Live, You Have to Die

The early morning sun creeps in the through the blinds as Lindsey lies reposed motionless on the couch. Her chest barely rises and falls with each weak and halfhearted breath. Seemingly unprovoked, her eyes shoot open, she gasps for breath and rolls off the couch and onto the floor amid a multitude of empty pill bottles, boxes, and sheets of various sorts. From acetaminophen, to ibuprofen, to sertraline, to alprazolam, to diphenhydramine, the bottles and box surround her like confetti existing as dirty evidence of the greatest mistake she’s ever made, but also her best success. She pulls her breaking body across the carpet, gripping the fibers with her fingers and pulling her struggling body forward.

Her muscles seem to fail her as she collapses to the floor, eyes wide open and tears forming. Her eyes dart around as throw tears she makes out the bottles's forms lying to her left and she fells jagged empty boxes pushing their way into her stomach and legs as if to imprint a reminder of her choice.

From the still of the spinning world comes a voice cutting through the air and into Lindsey: “Sometimes to live you have to die.” The absurdity of such words appearing source less seems to be lost on Lindsey as she grunts out “I did. I did. I just died.” And in a sudden convulsion of her muscles which looks to shock even herself, Lindsey’s hands grasp a trashcan which she pulls towards are and lifts her head over, then she throws up the half-dissolved pills in a sobbing fit of every emotion Lindsey’s ever known. The taste of the bitter pills and vomit taints her mouth and the smell dirties the world around her causing her to keep dry heaving for five minutes.

Her stomach quivers from exhaustion, and Lindsey’s body goes limp and rolls onto the ground, eyes wide open, unblinking, tears flowing out staring straight up at the blurred ceiling. Her body then starts to shake as she hears a strange voice say “Come on, just breathe” then another “how could you be so weak, you were on your way out? You were on the way to peace, to freedom. You’ve only failed yourself. You will never be anything. You will die alone even sadder than now.” Lindsey says aloud “Sometimes to live, you have to die;” then closes her eyes as the world spins on.

On So-Called White Guilt

Recently when I was on vacation to my fathers house in Missouri, my Grandfather commented on a discussion he had had with an man whose ancesters had been slaves. Not only slaves, but slaves of my Grandfather's (and obviously my own) ancestors. My grandfather made a statement to the man which i found to be offensive (but it didn't sound as though the man was offended, indeed he had doubtlessly faced ignorance and racism of both key types all of his life, and had developed a thick skin and a compassionate acceptance of those from another cultural moment).
This recollection of my grandfather made me wonder about myself. Prior to that exchange I was uncertain if my ancestors had themselves owned slaves had supported the instition and were otherwise reactionary, or if perhaps they were abolitionists or otherwise progressive. Clearly I hoped for the latter.
While discovering that (at least some of) my ancesters were involved in supporting the institution of slavery (at least inasmuch as they owned slaves) was disheartening, it was attatched with a feeling of sadness - - not guilt. I cannot feel guilty for the actions of my ancesters, I must understand that they came from a different historical moment. That being said, I fight to mend their transgressions through combatting racism/discrimination/being otherwise progressive.
I believe that the servitude forced on the man's ancestors at the hands of my own was just as wrong as the racism (structural and individual) that the man faces today. While I cannot feel guilty for the sins of my fathers, I can take responsibility and combat present day sins.
As much as I would hope that my ancesters were abolitionists (as some of them might have been), or were against the Japanese internment in World War II, or were sympathetic, fair, and helpful to Native Americans, supportive of the civil rights movement, the women's rights movement, interracial marriage, or in any other way progressive, open-minded, and "Good," so I can myself hope that my children's children's children (if/when they exist) can look back on me, their ancestor, with pride that I chose to fight ignorance (in myself and in others) and progressively pushed for freedom and equality as lofty and worthy goals.
For this reason I am always interested in engaging in discussion and rational evaluation of ignorance and reactionary ideology. I support Gay, Atheist, Muslim, Jewish, Disabled, Deaf, Racial Minorities, Ethnic Minorities, Women's, the cyclically poor, and all other marginalized groups' rights and equal opportunity for all people. I recognize that our society is still essentially racist, genderist, sexist, religionist, western centric, and otherwise ignorant, but hope that I can help to progressively and actively reform our society to form a better world for my decendents, my peers, and myself.