And You Know...

Live to Die.

How to stand up when you've fallen so low? There is no hand to help cuz the demons in my dreams are all that's left to keep my company. I hear them say "you're worthless" and i believe those words. "Where are they now? They are no where to be found." How to find a way out of this hole i've been shoved in? - the cruelest world, the cruelest place, and the cruelest voices speak to me. I have nothing left and just a hunger both for food and for hope. This long journey I cannot start is all that's ahead of me. Putting it off I keep my body bent and my eyes shut tight to spare me from the sights. But I still hear their cackles echo in my bones. It cuts me to my core but I have no wings to rise above. I have no clothes to keep me warm. And I have no strength to lift my head. How to survive this journey, babe - I'm so alone and oh so damaged? If I opened my eyes could I even see? If they could look at me now, what would they say? If there was a ladder, could I get myself out? I doubt it even matters because I think i've lost myself entirely. I cannot live, I cannot hope, I cannot wish upon a star. Although I can't feel it I know i have a hunger so deep and a pain so real while I live my life spent dying.


Pale White Pills

The drugs flood my brainways with invalid chemicals. And still i sit here waiting for a hope that never comes. And i'm all alone again, left only to doubts abounding, that pull my heart to hell. In the drugs i hope to have a fostered sense of self. But I do not know who I see when I look into the mirror - a face so unfamiliar that i flinch at being watched. Tomorrow i'll want life, tomorrow i'll be happy and get all i ever wanted. But in my bones i know that tomorrow will never come. And then the thoughts creep up to justify my solitude, inverted salience. In them the flaw's the situation, but in me it is myself. So i deserve what comes to me, but they need happiness. No fundamental error here - well - i guess just the wrong way 'round. The problems not the lack of love, the problem is MY love. The problems not cheating for the cause was truly me. The issue is not new space between, for i SHOULD be shut out. I deserve to be shoved away and down (why won't the chemicals speeding through my veins do their jobs?). So if I never see those eyes again, that would be Justice. And if i never am forgiven - well i ought never be. (but ask me what i need forgiveness for and my tongue can only word "obviously something, the distance says it all"). Sometimes, some how, some way, my fingers turn to fists, and a tiny thought creeps from a pill that says "i am okay." But the other thoughts (much stronger and more fit to live in me) will shove it out in 3-2-1 and i'm back to "it's all me."


Destination: Unknown

Give me all your fortune, baby,
Give me all your fame
Slit my truth wide open for you
And let me fade away.

Just give me my blue fortress,
And give me all your pain,
Let me bleed your comfort, baby
That seeps right through my veins

It's my truth that scares you, honey,
It's my lies that bind
And with all you've lost now to me
Why are you still mine?

I fake it for the world's love,
Dear, It's my heart's disguise
And faking makes me weary,
so just leave to me my lies

Dark + Light

Through the Fires of Hell, Reborn
From tears flow an empty tune that dies in the cold air. I see the trees laughing in the breeze, an echo of the world's chorus. In my misery and loneliness I find myself reborn. The ashes of my grave encircle me like a blossom. I walked through the valley to find my life with nothing of my own. The self I found in the depths of hell will burn within me now. Can you see the Good in me? Can you see the promise? Look into my eyes - my soul, can you find the light? Can you see if there is life left in me after all that I've been through? - Too much loss for one boy to take. Too much betrayal for any man. And too much pain to live.

Let Dark Come to Find the Light
Life's out there, so tell me what you're waiting for? Love can bloom out of the pain. Just love, no matter what. Life's waiting, so take a chance, tonight. Love leads life to great heights. And know there's nothing that cannot be done. There are no secrets that love can't hold. In a perfect world, love would bloom like sunflowers, always looking to the sun, never losing itself to the night. So make this world a more perfect place by trusting that after the darkest night, the sun will shine all the brighter. The only other choice is to live in dark despair - but then the meaning of life is just to die. So let the light into your soul. Let the sunflowers bloom within you. Smile as you reach for the stars (the light in the dimmest nights). Make a wish and let love guide you to acheive greatness. And always - throughout the darkest of dark - fight for the light of love, and it will surely shine on you.

4 Outlets

Why so Fargone? (The Reckoning)
Fragment ideas spill onto the page, filled with half-baked thoughts of love and hate and apathy; friends and enemies and nothingness.
Gentle text of "come back home to denny's" flash into my mind. The day I up and ran away, thinking I would be better off that way. (But all I left was my home in them that was abandoned when I returned).
When I let her up and walk away, her act of rennaissance I should have asked for her to stay, made her know what I had meant - But sometimes they have to discover it on their own.
I carress the words of anger said - not anger, just frustration. A drink to dull the edge of betrayal means nothing when you share its cup and couch. And the truth leads to him walking away. And my sympathy for the other guy still crying on the chair was not enough for them to bare as my tears began to form.
The time I had ran away to spare her from myself (for I was too much too take, too much harm and she didn't deserve me, she deserved so much more) and then was left crying at the doorstep as I realized I hadn't wasted her time and I knew what love could be.
To leave to find a home, when you had it all along.
The little boy I was, running out into the snowy streets, with no shoes or even a shirt. The melodrama of my life, my run, and the tears that killed the snow. No where to go until someone came to rescue me.
Everything I want is no where.
Everything I want is just to forget.
As the words free flow into an emptiness, the literate's escape (the birds' song, the rabbit's hole, a story from the past).
Each one leaves something's lost, just as something's gained.

Never a Tomorrow
Carreening down the highway,
the devil by my side.
And in my head he's echoing
"you can run, but you can't hide."

Take the wheel and drive me home
Kill the truth they shout to you
Take a pill to shut them up,
And try to find what's true.

"You can crash into the ocean, man,
And find yourself at home"
Shame on you, you lied to me
while the devil pinned me down.

The truth lies like a stain on you
As your veins leak out bad deeds
I rock back and forth compulsivesly
As the tears roll off my cheeks

And in the car that's driving me
Down into the sea
I cannot help but watch the stars
Swim away from me.

Losing Myself (One Avoidance at a Time)
It's the hollow truth that breaks the bow.
It's the bitterness that fights the light.
Make it hurt, make it burn, make me fall.
I fell down to save your life.
And in your room I found my heart was gone away.
And in my voice I found a stranger speak through me.
In my soul I felt the sad in you.
And in your eyes I saw the truth behind the lie you live.
Though I knew it all and knew how it would end,
I would have fought to save your life.

The Sign for When to Run
I heard the words they said through half-cocked grins and half-full cups. I heard the whispers and the snickers as he walked into the room. I saw you forget me and stop with your support. I knew you had betrayed me at that taunting joke I overheard you say. I would have run away that moment then had I known you were so low as now and could find the strength to stand. I almost did flee into the dark strange land (damn the consequences) when i knew you lied to get me there that night after the longest and hardest trip i've ever made. Needing a pill to take the first step, (losing my mind was the easiest thing as the scenery swept by) for I was unable to find any strength within. Imagining a hand to hold. You never knew (you never cared). Then forcing myself to find a way to drive. Buffering the panic with careful distant measure and a desperate will to Good. Forcing myself to ask my dad for help (knowing what that could mean). "Repeat three times: 'everything will be alright' and just breathe." Making my eyes stay awake for 20 hours after less than 3 of sleep. Enough caffeine to stop a heart and to feel the overdose. And then to find the light at the end was nothing more than an ephemeral mirage. An illusion just to get me there, to get a gift (you think i'm rich), to show me off (like i'm a prize), to make a scene (like i'm a joke), to fix a broken thing (like i'm a tool). It was then I knew you were just a lie, and didn't give a shit about me (but i forced that bitter thought to the back of my mind). It was then I might have left, I might have ended it. But in you I saw the strength to be the man you want to be. And for his sake I always stayed.

Dos Mas

To Lose a War (By Honesty)

You left me all alone to hold onto what i could. But what was left slipped through my fingers and now lies forsaken in the dirt. I know not what you've done (do you?), or why you've done it so. But know you must trust your heart. You must do what you think is right. - - And yet my fingers ball to fists as I think of all the broken promises you've left. You've forgotten me and all i've done to paint your life anew. You've forgotten the words you whispered to me, and all the tears you shed. The moments I held onto you to sail you through the storm. The moment I knew you needed help and knew you didn't know. You can walk the road alone, but that's no way to live (needing help isn't a weakness, it's a strength to have). And now we must fly away, solo (you've left your friend behind). Why should I still care when you've left me with no one? I know not the reason, I just know that I still do. I'm scared and broken with no one's hand to hold. I've never been so alone - So dead - Or so alive. If you don't care enough to try, then why the hell should I? If you've forgotten what we were, then why should I hold on? Even so you never were a waste of time. My friendship was always true. And I saw in you all I wanted to be; the man I should become. I know it can never be the same. I know you've said words you can never take back. But if I could save the day, I would, and I still pray for you.


False Start Friend

When I think of where you're going and all places that you've been, I know the fears you hide. I know what you're trying to do, who you want to be. You're so afraid to lose, but more afraid to win. Too afraid to be like anyone else you've seen. You sell yourself short and believe you're left ahead. You're stuck in the past and cannot see the future.
When you say I'm not worth the friendship, or even worth a word. I have no choice but to believe those words you say. All I can do is breathe, and maybe that will make it better somehow, some way, some day. I guess I was just a waste of time. Maybe that's what started all the trouble and the fights. Some days were heaven, some days were hell. We just found ourselves sinking alone, together. I guess sometimes everyone has to let the darkness fall all around, the night and chaos come. It's hell that makes us stronger, and I know you can make it through and can find a way to soar. I'll always believed in you.

Out of the Loaded Dreams

Out of the Loaded Dreams

My darkness lies beneath the shell where my despair and sadness bloom. The hole i've been put in has no light to guide my soul. My body shakes in the corner of my life, my fate, my tomb. I know not where the ghost is leading me, but i know i'm falling down. Alone again I hear my demons speak to me in the darkness of my dreams. All the broken promises they made drag my heart under the ground. I hope an angel takes me out of here, but I cannot find her hand. I only know I've lost myself - that is the price to pay. My body is too broken to have the strength to stand. I'm small and scared and falling, burning like a shooting star. In my descent I close my eyes and hope to be reborn. The firestorm - my death and grave, my cradle and rebirth.

Some Stuff I Wrote

Some stuff I wrote:

I Don't Doubt This

No excuses this time, princess,
Cuz a promise means another broken heart.
And all that's left are promises
And it seems they all are breaking
one heartstring at a time (one heartstring at a time)
two more and we'll go bust (two more)
two more but we're still here (two more)
I see the misery (I see the company)
I see the tears (I see the smile)
"Couldn't you give it another shot"
She said, but she never need to ask
"I promise this time...
oh yes, I promise"
Broken hearts and broken glass
Broken homes and broken bones
two more lies and we'll go bust (two more)
two more but we're still here (two more)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)
No excuses left (no promises kept)


one month headstart (on hating you)

i say i blame you but we both made this mess
my heart is gone and i must confess
that i never believed you in the first place
so take to the streets and drive your ass home
cuz in my head you left an hour ago

i would tell you i hope that you crash and you burn
but your life already is (not half as bad as mine of course)
but you'd never know (cuz i never told you)
but you thought i'd know (but you never told me)
this one-way street won't take us home

never's a promise (and so is goodbye)
so just up and go and stop with your lie
that tomorrow you'll call me (cuz you just never will)
if you were a true friend, you'd know better by now
if you meant what you said then i know it's not goodbye

so go drive too fast and take it too far
and give me a break (cuz your face i can't take)
you mean nothing to me (i guess that's a lie)
i mean nothing to you (that's more to the point)
but the one-way street won't take us anywhere

and tomorrow's sun set at your first "hello"

Sell Out From The Start

buying in or selling out
it's all the same (we're all the same)
cuz who's left to smile
when what's in is the frown
don't compromise pretty
cuz "pretty is power"

but tomorrow has the promise
of sterile suburban sprawl
filled with brand new homes
on the picturesque streets
and an image to keep
(cuz you live in their eyes)

and never say never
(never's forever)
it's a promise to keep (but i know you won't)
you fit right in in that bullshit town
and tomorrow you'll find
i'm not coming home

Excerpt from "Just Let Go"

This is the first part of my short story for LTWR 8A called "Just Let Go"

Feeling overwhelming freedom and the reassuring safety of his arms as he breathes life back into me and whispers in my ear: “you are safe babe, you are safe. Don’t worry Lindsey, You are safe. You worry too much. I’ve got you and we’ll get through all of this. It’s gonna be alright. You are safe.” I turn around and look into his deep brown eyes expecting to find a face familiar - the face that haunts my dreams - but I don’t know him. I don’t know his face. I don’t know his eyes. I believe every word he says to me and can see all of my life in his eyes, but I don’t know him, I just -

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

Deep breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I am okay, I am safe, and I am alive. Open eyes, glimpse the late morning rays fighting the shades and pushing back the darkness.

My darkness.

My heart falls in a breach of emotions and memories because I remember this darkness of mine. I remember that I am me. I am here. That I am sad. And that I miss Kelli; if only I could have started this day off in his arms then it could be a good day. But I’m so alone and sad. I am me. Fucking reality…